Yvonne E. & Al J. Bytwork, phd

     We each have had major struggles, but were able to live 90% of our married life in inner peace and usually outright joy (and we are sorry that we were not thankful all of the time)—for we have been indeed blessed.   Both of us were raised in Christian homes and all four of our parents were godly, loving, and strict  with high ideals and work ethics.  We still honor them  and took  opportunities to fully apologize to them while they were yet on earth --  for our disobedience to them sometimes when we were young.   All four have entered in spirit into Heaven’s joy, awaiting the body resurrection at the Father’s timing when we Christians “…will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air”(1Thes 4:16).  PtL.    We are eternally grateful to God, them, and others   for the patience, heritage and opportunities they gave to us.    We both attended grade and high schools greatly influenced  and blessed by Christ.   Yvonne fully committed to Christ at age14; Al  not fully until 36.  We are truly repentant to all for our wrongs and try to make amends for such as soon as possible.     Both attended Calvin College.   Al taught business studies at 3  “Christian” colleges and 2 secular universities.  

    The Bible has been read through by both of us a number of times. We enjoy “playing” Bible quiz games such as Bible T(Trivia); some say Training, but we are cooperative, not competitive).   Our answers to the Bible T card questions often reveal how little we know  and help us to learn-- and relearn.   Though I/Al  have not  yet read fully through all of the 66 books in the Bible in their original languages,    I am convinced that God used the original Hebrew and Greek languages because they enabled  conciseness,  clarity, and communication   so that the Bible could best convey His guidance to the world.  Our website will at some point  also contain condensations of  important segments of the books that we have drafted:  Life’s Lessons we are Learning,    and   God’s College Battles.    

     We have been enjoyably married for over 50 years and have a son and daughter. Each have given us 2 grandchildren.     We are deeply grateful to God for each of them;  they have exceeded our input into their lives.   Our daughter is writing her dissertation for a PhD. in Nursing  and our son with his wife is a  12-yearWycliffe Bible Translator working in Nigeria and has finished about half of the Bible there in   newly-written languages.  

    In addition to encouraging and exhorting His Kingdom of this earth and His Church (of which we need to be responsible and improving members) to embrace the biblical Jesus and His program, we attempt to be consistently engaged in neighborhood and marketplace evangelism and “…teaching them to observe/terein    all things/pantos    whatsoever/osa    I gave command/eneteilamen …” (Mt 28:20).   It is a joy to see lives improved, enhanced, and enthralled with the authentic Lord Jesus.

                Love and best wishes always,  Yvonne E. & Alvin J. Bytwork, phd          draft     3/07

Portion from   LESSONS WE ARE LEARNING

                                  GUIDELINES  TO A  HAPPY AND LASTING MARRIAGE

We have 50 years of happy marriage (all to each other) and out of 51 years,   we kid, that’s not a bad average.  So you might find our views  confirmed by others to be helpful.  A few will be mentioned that we found insightful.    Bases for these can be talked about below.  Also,  www.MarriageMissions.com   is one of the more comprehensive help sites;  the  author has been connected with Family Life Radio for about 30 years.  Other sites like www.MarriageToday.org  will be mentioned in our Useful Links.  Comments and  suggestions to us are appreciated.

  *   Study  at least 2 years to know what a good relations/marriage entails and  about a  potential spouse:  e.g.,  their  practice and beliefs  of  God and His Word   and over 200  lesser questions to be explored,  and compromises thought through.   At least 2 books with such long lists are available.   Some questions about human relations (not marriage) can be asked even in the 1^st week—as fun and general info.   E.g.,  What was your favorite year in school and why?  What if any was your favorite game played by your family?      When  much later   marriage seems an option,  pray together and  seek out extensive biblical marriage counsel (and employ counsel or obtain a mentor at least annually throughout  the marriage)  “… to succeed”  (Prov 15:22, etc.).   Concentrate discussion on the spiritual and social aspects of a pleasant marriage.     Note:  If  you have had petting or intercourse together,  stop it,  apologize sincerely  to God and the potential spouse for the sin,  manipulations,   lack of self-control,  and  then avoid such situations.  .   Apologies signify that you do not condone your premarital sex, will reinforce your resolve, and will give the other greater confidence for commitment in the future   .  Even if you have been married for years, speak of your premarital sex together,  and sincerely apologize   even if your spouse does not see the need or your reasoning

*  Marry only a mature Spirit-refilling  (see our  side button for that discussion)  Christian  (Eph 5:18;  Gal 5:22,23)  and    preferably within your faith denomination,  personal doctrines,  race, nationality, and social culture. .  It will be a great reduction in the decisions and stresses.     It is best when at least part of both families   can be supportively involved.       Yet we all change our concerns, doctrinal emphases,  and perhaps denominations during our marriage, but we should try to do it after prayers, deep discussions, compromises, and with joy.   If your spouse is not such a Christian or even a Christian,  be an inspiration at every turn—and we are praying for your wisdom, efforts, and happiness.

*  Purpose to consider and value each other more than self   Phlp 2:3 and higher than other persons, including your children.   “Submit to one another out of reverence to Christ”  (Eph 5:21),   to care immensely for each other,  to not condone moodiness, to protect our own health of spirit and body    for our spouse has co-ownership of our bodies   (1Cor 7:4)   and  to be neat  so that we will continue to be attractive to each other (and others, for we are God’s Ambassadors, 2 Cor 5:20).    We are then able to inspire others by our “temples,” ,  countenance, deportment,  and perhaps help them in their journey.  (Almost all of us will go through brief self-induced grouchiness or depression;  in the meantime the spouse needs to be patient and encourage as is possible.)

*   Apologize quickly when we make a mistake, offend,  or abuse  another.  That may be  more than once a day!     If we are offended and it is minor, not likely to be continued, or in public, we might not say anything   or  “I am surprised you said/did that”        and continue the activities,  hoping  the spouse will  become aware (if there really was an infraction  for sometimes infractions are OUR perception) and apologize before the end of the next day.    If not,  we can say “I was hurt by what you said/did yesterday: …..” .    Purpose to forgive and ask the Father to do so --as did Jesus and Steven at their deaths.   Much more on proper apologies and forgiveness is elsewhere on our site.

* Periodically say to the spouse (and others close to you):  If there is anything that I can say or do to make your life more pleasant for you,  please tell me.”

*  Communicate on every decision that is important to our spouse until both become more pleased.    Listen actively,  show respect for the other and their thoughts at every turn.  We should try to give the spouse the benefit of  doubts and decisions,  realizing the   husband is responsible before God for the well-being of the family  for if he abdicates  he has  “… denied the faith and is worse than an infidel” (1Tim 5:8).     Subject to limits for the welfare of the family (God’s direction, finances, security, etc),  men should generally defer to their wives wishes,  especially when respectfully requested—e.g.   I would REALLY appreciate if we could do/buy that.    Never walk off or slam  doors.  Dr. John Gottman who has videoed and analyzed marriage interactions for over 30 years found that    Criticizing,  Condemning, Caustic or Callous remarks  or Stonewalling are precursors to divorce.    Do not yell at another or show disgust or disdain.  

*   Love our spouses as they specifically liked to be loved:   compliments,  conversation, gifts, assistance, touch (non-sexual too), etc.  We should ask them,  for these will likely change periodically (pun also intended) during the marriage years. 

*    Complement AND compliment  our spouses frequently when we are with them   and  when we are apart. .    It is nicer to give compliments  in front of others—then all know what was said and the hearers also can benefit from the example.    Be for our spouses their  cheerleader, confidant, coach, but very seldom their critic.  Sandwich any negative in at least 2 positives   2 Cor 8:9-11)..    Thank them  not only for what they do (for that can be trying to get them to do more) but also for their kindness, etc.  in doing that   --which conveys that it was above what is expected.  Give the spouse also spontaneous gifts and assistances  expecting nothing, not even an acknowledgement;  tho when you are Thanked you both receive a special blessing.   Most of married activities should be in the courtship and deferential mode whenever practical – in both small and momentous things.    

*  Enjoy sex as the (a) major reason for marriage and useful for pleasureful well-being as well as bonding.   God said they should “…leave …and cleave/unite…will become one flesh”  (Gen 2:24; Mat 19:5).  Married sex is the best:   Ordained by God,   shared ownership of the joy,  exclusive sharing,  complete openness,  nothing held back,  fully-vested interest in making it the best,  no guilt,  no remorse,  no distrust.    Communicate  before, during, and after  intercourse about  what pleases each and both.   Never decline our spouse’s invitation without an empathetic caring reason AND THEN also  suggest  a time soon that will be better  1 Cor 7:5.     Take turns (not necessarily alternating) suggesting,  initiating, and leading the encounters.     All persons want to be wanted,  and turned on.   A wife and husband should assure each other regularly by enthusiastic actions also  that:    No one else can please you as fully or safely.   Paraphrasing the popular Christian speaker  and writer Anne Ortlund (with husband Ray):  When properly cleaned,  any surface of the body (not covered by hair) can be erotic and kissable;  but no one would/should wish to do that with other than their spouse.       Further is planned for our  amplified Sex Ed section.   Whatever is healthy pleases God and our spouse   is fair game  (Heb 13:4);  but e.g.,  anal penetration is excluded for it is sodomy  and dangerous  (decay,  bacteria,  feces, membrane tears, piles, etc.)         

*  Live frugally  (with moderate exceptions)   especially until the couple has access to about $500K in liquidable monies   for that is about what is   needed for the future in America to finance a  widow with child(ren)  or a modest retirement (besides usual Social Security).   Frugality will also help to discipline  us and our children  and to have compassion for and some identification with the poor   and allow us to tithe and focus on each other and our skills and development rather than being consumed by things.    Wives usually should be allocated  at least a few hundred dollars as “her  money”    so that she can buy some things for herself  or the family   with her money (Prov. 31:16)   without previous agreement(s) with her husband.  If she uses marriage money and  if he expresses that a purchase  was too expensive or ritzy, etc.  she should volunteer to pay for the overage from her account.    

3/07      More on these Guidelines  may be added later.